11.40pm, Wednesday July 29, N's bed ....this too shall pass

I wanted this trip to clarify things and send me through some sort of fire and back out again burnished more beautifully, but this was not exactly what I had in mind. My work and revelations were supposed to revolve around issues of competence, independence. Instead I feel no more competent and no more independent, but my trials have revolved instead around men.

Today I received two very different emails. One from MS, who in response to my emotional farewell email sent back a couple of sentences with incomprehensible sentiments, as they appeared incomplete and clipped from his previous three-line email. The other was from A, responding to the birthday email I sent him, making it clear that he does not want to hear from me and has a lot of repgnance for who he thinks I am. Fair enough, I guess. He's been telling me for two years that he doesn't want me to bother him and, as usual, I needed him to hit me over the head to listen to him over my own desires.

So, at last, I close this 12-year chapter of my life, and I must admit that MS was a part of this closure. It let me know that it is possible for me to find another man whose generousity is genuine, whose smile is full of joy, and who my body likes too.

I have also learned not to play casually with boys because I cannot handle the end of the play. The feeling of being with M was addictive and I don't like living without it.

For someone who wants to be single, I sure spend a lot of time thinking about the guys who impacted upon me romantically. There's only four, but they are never too far from my thoughts. I think I need to stay single for along while - until I can put men in proper perspective.

D told me that she loved my smile. I think this is the best compliment anyone can receive and I believe this is the first time anyone has complimented my smile. Women - I should stick just with them.